


Taco x Hell

by ContrivedCircus



Series: Hunter x Hell [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: BAJA BLAST, Cheat days ftw, Crack Treated Seriously, Hisoka and Illumi on a date, Killua cannot eat in peace, Other, Taco Bell hot sauce, actual children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 08:25:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13337271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ContrivedCircus/pseuds/ContrivedCircus
Summary: Illumi and Hisoka spot Killua at Taco Bell.





	Taco x Hell

There are certain hours of the day in which humanity twists and reforms into something more like a poison  _ dripping _ between the cracks of our unfortunate reality. There is no civility, only the crushing of hands and teeth, the singular focus on survival or pleasure. Within this pool of depravity and carnal sin, there are others who act more as an accelerant meant to bring forth the chaos of conflagration. Who thrive on the poison-filled cracks and make victims of those willing to raise their satisfied heads.   
  
However, even beasts must feed, it is the when and  _ where _ you must watch out for.

Metal chair legs scrape loudly against the tile floor, the abrupt outburst of frantic beeping occasionally cutting through the small establishment as food finishes cooking. Around them, a calm yellow covers the walls, accented by a smooth purple trim. The overhead lights reflect off the white-top of the counter as the two approach. A young girl, perhaps in her late teens, beams up at them from beneath her viser.    
“Welcome to Taco Bell! What can I get for you?”    
  
Illumi does not wait to see if Hisoka wants to order first, instead, he rattles off a list, two 7-layer burritos, nachos, and a cool ranch doritos locos taco. The Zoldyck’s eyes reach back to the menu once more as the cashier punches in his order, his eyes appear to scan for anything else he may have missed before dropping back down to the cashier.    
“I also want a large Coke.”    
  
A small line has formed behind them, nothing out of the ordinary given the lunch rush. Although, the lunch rush is what initially brought the two to Taco Bell. While out galavanting around Yorknew, the two had decided a cheat meal was in order. It has been weeks since either of them have allowed so much as a drop of anything unhealthy past their lips, surely a few tacos, some burritos, and soda will be fine.   
  
Illumi pays for his meal, the small receipt clutched in his hand as he carries and empty cup over to the fountain machine. Anybody paying any mind to Illumi will surely notice how out of place he appears as he fumbles with the fountain machine, adding soda before ice then frowning as the ice causes the soda to splash out of the cup. The sight nearly draws a laugh from the jester, though his amusement is interrupted by the impatience of the cashier.    
  
“Do you need more time, sir?”    


The cashiers tense voice is patchwork compared to the friendly smile plastered to her face. Returning her smile, Hisoka pulls out his wallet.    
“No, I’m ready. Hmm, what do you like better, burritos or tacos~?”   
  
The growing line behind him becomes a hum of annoyed mumbles and heavy sighs. Their impatience is not Hisoka’s concern, however, he has asked a question and he wants an answer.    
  
“I enjoy both, sir.” The cashier’s smile is unfaltering, however her eyes appear to be focusing hard on Hisoka’s golden ones, as though mentally willing his sudden death.    
  
“I enjoy both as well. We would get along quite nicely wouldn’t we?” The magician places one palm on the clean countertop, however, as he opens his mouth to continue his ill-timed harassment of the employee, Illumi’s voice interrupts him.   
  
“Hisoka, I do not have all day.”    
  
Off to his left, the former bumbling assassin has managed to fill his cup and even top it with a lid. Content with this feat, Illumi stands beside the order pick-up portion of the counter, his expression as vacant as ever, though his tone bares the fullness of his displeasure.   
  
“Fine, ah…” Hisoka’s attention returns to the annoyed cashier.   
  
“Two five-layer burritos and some cinnamon twists please. I’d also like a large baja blast™.”    
  
The jester pays for his order before standing off to the side with Illumi to wait as their food is prepared. With their orders done with, the line finally begins to move, the previously irritated tone lacing the cashiers words now gone.   
  
For the amount of food Illumi had ordered, Hisoka finds it difficult to believe the assassin weighs nearly fifty pounds less than him. It’s not as though weight is exactly a concern to him, however, Hisoka does make a guided effort to be as healthy as possible. Although, there are only so many twigs and leave you can eat before it gives you indigestion.    
  
“Orders for Hisoka, Illumi.”    
  
A kitchen employee slides their trays across the counter towards them, taking a moment to frown at Hisoka before retreating to the kitchen. Unfazed, or perhaps, uncaring, the two lift their trays, carrying them across the restaurant to a table near a window.   
  
“Why do you draw so much attention to yourself?” Illumi’s question is coupled with his hurried unwrapping of burrito number one, a soft trail of steam winding up from the food.    
  
“My parents didn’t love me enough.” Hisoka unwraps one of his burritos with less rush than Illumi appears to have. Perhaps the Zoldyck follows a strict diet and that is why he is apparently so hungry. It didn’t seem reasonable given his occupation.    
  
“I do not care for your jokes, Hisoka.” Illumi has a surprisingly large mouth, despite the controlled way he holds himself, the assassin quickly tucks into his burrito, destroying a third of it before Hisoka can even respond. 

“That’s too bad, I think they’re quite good.”    
  
Hisoka picks up his burrito, staring at it for a moment as the gnawing feeling that something is  _ missing _ overtakes him. Looking up, he glances around the establishment, between the line of hungry patrons, to the empty tables, before finally settling on the sauce bar.    
  
“Ah, do you want any sauce?” Hisoka sets his burrito down, getting up from the table as Illumi finishes chewing the rather large bite he had just taken.   
  
“The green one.”    
  
Illumi does not look at Hisoka, the back of his hand covering his lips as he focuses on enjoying the food. The sight is somehow alluring to him, though he refrains from commenting on the fact. Instead, Hisoka heads over to the sauce bar, reviewing the options before piling as much sauce as he can fit into his arms. The cashiers, kitchen staff, and fellow patrons, stare as sauce packets drop from his thick arms, overflowing despite his curved posture as he awkwardly walks back to the table. A trail of sauce packets follows.    
  
Dumping the collection in the middle of the table, Illumi stops chewing, staring at the sauce packets for a moment before picking up a single green one.    
  
“Thank you.”    
  
Taking his seat, Hisoka sips on his baja blast™, watching as Illumi struggles to open the packet. The sight is amusing considering the complexities of his usual job, however, the jester does not comment on his issue.    
  
Instead, Hisoka sets his drink down, opening up as many sauce packets as it takes to thoroughly bury his burrito beneath the oily substance. Once a reasonable mess has been created atop his tray, he begins to eat.    
  
About midway through their nearly barbaric feast, Hisoka happens to catch a glimpse of a rather familiar tuff of silver hair taking a seat across the restaurant. With his mouth full of more sauce than burrito, he stares at the short boy, not speaking until he has cleared the food from his mouth.

“Isn’t that Killua?”

Illumi looks up, still struggling with the same sauce packet as before, he pauses his struggle long enough to follow Hisoka’s gaze.   
  
“So it is… He should know better than to eat fast food.”   
As Illumi faces front again, his fingers change position on the sauce packet, trying for a different spot in hopes that the packet is perhaps weak there.   
  
“You’re here though, aren’t you?” The jester takes another large bite from his sauce smothered burrito, his expression more blank than usual as the extra carbs and sugars begin to befuddle his brain.  
  
“Yes, but I’m an adult. He is the heir to our family.” The Zoldyck switches his hold on the sauce once more, pulling hard on it until it splits in half, spraying sauce on both Illumi and Hisoka.   
  
Unreactive to the green sauce now painted on their faces and hair, the magician nods.   
  
“I see...”  
  
Illumi turns around again, watching as Killua unwraps one of the many items planted on the tray before him. He is alone, alone with about four burritos, ten tacos, an oreo churro, and a large soda, just from what Hisoka can see. It is more than Illumi had ordered, and quite a feat for a boy of Killua’s size.  
****  
“I do not like him eating fast food. He will become fat like Milluki.”   
  
Illumi’s fingers press against an unopened sauce packet, Hisoka’s unreadable gaze watching idly as he finishes his burrito. The assassin is not one to fidget, therefore, his fidgeting with the sauce packet reads as strange to Hisoka, but only briefly.   
  
Picking up the sauce packet, Illumi throws it across the dining room, allowing it to smoothly arch before striking the back of Killua’s head.  
  
Immediately, Killua turns around, still holding a taco up to his mouth, he stares around the dining hall for a moment before his eyes settle upon Hisoka and Illumi.   
  
“What are you two doing here?!” Food particles blast from the younger Zoldyck’s mouth, his outraged shout immediately silencing the previously bustling restaurant.   
  
“We’re having lunch, Killu.” Illumi is the first to respond to the boy’s anger, his expression and tone remaining unchanged as Killua glares daggers in their direction. Around them, patrons get up and relocate to other parts of the Taco Bell.   
  
“It’s a date.” Hisoka smiles before taking a longer sip of his baja blast™.   
  
“Ew, well whatever. Leave me alone before I lose my appetite.”   
  
Killua turns back around in his chair, seemingly trying to return focus to his food. However, Illumi does not return to watching his food, instead, he begins to go through the sauce packets.   
“What are you looking for?” Hisoka asks as he tears open more sauce packets for his second sauce smothered burrito.   
  
“One that says something funny.” Illumi picks up and drops multiple sauce packets.   
“They are impossible to open, so obviously they are more suitable as projectiles.”   
  
The Zoldyck finally appears to find a sauce packet which pleases him, showing it to Hisoka briefly who reads over the small text.   
“Ah, we meet again…” The jester reads aloud from the packet, golden eyes shifting to stare flatley at the Zoldyck.   
  
Illumi does not hesitate before turning around, launching the second sauce packet directly at the back of Killua’s head. This time however, the teen ignores Illumi’s attempts, trying to eat in peace despite his brother and Hisoka.   
  
“So what about you, Illu~? Do you prefer tacos or burritos?”   
  
The jester pokes one hand through the sauce packets, reading a few of them and saving the ones he likes.   
  
“I do not have a preference.” Another sauce packet goes soaring through the restaurant, striking the back of Killua’s head once more. The teen visibly tenses, irritation dripping from his posture. However, he continues his attempts to eat quietly.  
  
“Oh~? How interesting, neither do I… Though, I thought a burrito sounded nice today. A _big_ … _thick_ _burrito_ … I might even want some _sauce_ on my face.” Hisoka narrows his eyes, a lewd smile capturing his lips as he studies Illumi carefully.   
  
“You already have sauce on your face, and in your hair.”   
  
Hisoka’s smile drops, Illumi’s fingers wrapping around three more sauce packets before he flings them once more at Killua.   
The teen pauses eating in response to the projectiles he is being struck with, picking up a few of the sauce packets, he appears to open them with ease, pouring them over the burrito he is currently inhaling.   
  
“Hmm, let me try~.”   
  
Hisoka goes through the tiny condiments, pulling out a sauce packet with a highly suggestive message on it. Throwing it at full speed, he uses bungee gum to stick it to the back of Killua’s head, his smile finally returning as Killua tries and fails to remove it.   
  
“Oh, that was pretty good. How many can you stick to him?” Illumi’s question is honest, curious, he holds out a few more sauce packets for Hisoka now, their food and their cheat day, is now forgotten.   
  
“Quite a few, but what’s in it for me?” Hisoka asks as he takes the sauce packets being held out for him.   
  
“Hmm, I will pretend I did not understand your burrito and sauce reference earlier.”   
  
Illumi turns his gaze back to Killua, watching as the boy idly pulls at the sauce pack still stuck to him. His tray is nearly empty at this point, food wrappers cast aside as a sea of sauce packets surrounds his chair.   
  
“That is not fun. Well whatever. Instead, I want you to buy me some more detergent.”   
  
“Fine, now do it.” Illumi tells the jester, a hint of rush in his voice as his fingers grip the edge of the table.   
  
As Hisoka raises his hand to throw the sauce packets, Killua jumps up from his chair, spinning around to face Hisoka and Illumi.   
  
“You know what?! You’re both freaks! I just wanted to have some Taco Bell but fine! I’m leaving! Stupid idiots!”   
  
Hisoka slowly lowers his hand as the younger Zoldyck storms out, a slight frown curving his lips as Illumi turns back around to look over the mess of their table. Sauce packets litter nearly every inch not already covered by their food trays or drinks. Sauce which had earlier sprayed from the packet, paints both of their faces, hair, and clothes. Empty food wrappers and half eaten food remain directly in front of them.  
  
Turning his attention back to his sauce covered burrito, Hisoka begins to eat again. As he eats, Illumi picks up another sauce packet, trying and yet again failing to open it.  
  
“Killu shouldn’t be eating fast food anyway.”  


 

** **

**Author's Note:**

> You ask "why" and I say "why not?"
> 
> Anyway, blame @HunterxBlog for this, it is all based on a dream they had where Hisoka and Illumi were throwing sauce packets at Killua in Taco Bell.


End file.
